Apr 2023

I am left with nothing to do on a 3-hour flight to Townsville. T is seated far away from me. My mind is blank or should I say, I do not have internet or books or magazines to read. So here I am, typing my heart out. Sitting by myself, watching people walk past my seat. Wondering what’s on their heads because what’s in mine isn’t very enjoyable. I am trying to read theirs because maybe, just maybe, their thoughts make more sense. 

My mind is never quiet. It always has questions. It always asks questions like….’Why do we always pretend like we will live forever?’ My present is actually very good. I wish I could stay in this disposition forever. But the reality is, I cannot. My brain cells will perish, my loved ones will pass on, the pictures in my phone will eventually be deleted, be it by me or by circumstances, I will die. I will be gone, and in the process, people I cherish the most will slowly wither too. I might die alone. All things are bound to change, and its not for the better.

Persistent pessimism is pressuring me. I cannot rest because I have to make the most out of my days. In my head, I have to do things while I still can. Use my legs while I can still run. Spoil and hug the people around me while they are still around. Never rest because eventually, I will rest in peace forever….Eventually, my existence will not even matter. 

I am teary while writing this. How else can I make the most out of my life? How else can I make my loved ones never doubt my love and devotion for them? Should I still strive to achieve? What for? 

I can imagine myself having dementia. It breaks my heart to hear people say ‘they feel like they are just existing’. I may be anti-social most days, but I feel like I wouldn’t want just to exist. I want my existence to be meaningful. How can I do that? 

I can’t even think of an answer to the question ‘how can I have a more meaningful existence?’. The only possible answer that feels most natural is just to love. Love like it will be my last day or their last day on earth. Love what is in front of you. Love what you can do, and not what you have. I want to be remembered as someone who never hesitated, never held back in love. 

Eventually, my neurons will be gone…but hopefully, my ability to love will not. Our life is mundane most days…but, we can make it surreal with love. Maybe. 🙂 

Anyone else think this way?

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Anyway, this trip is to visit our loved ones, and that’s what we did. We also had an unexpected visitor while we were there. Unfortunately, he or she isn’t welcome…..