For the past four weeks, I haven’t been well. On and off fever with other symptoms like rashes, cough and flu and these have been coming alternately for the past month. I was trying my best to normalize my life while all these things kept on coming back. I worked and worked out (mainly pole, running and stretching) during periods that I was well. I didn’t want just to stay home and be sickly. I was never and will never be home feeling sorry for staying in bed the whole day.

Last weekend, I felt so good I even told my housemate, C, that ‘I think, my symptoms won’t come back anymore’. I finished my chores as usual and I thought, why not go out and walk around a little bit before going to church for the anticipated mass.

That was what I did. I felt good. I like walking less than running but it still felt so good. After a few hours, I went to Novena church. It’s a newly-renovated church, now, with air-conditioning. It was cold. Really cold. I was beginning to feel innate chills but I was rationalizing that maybe, it was just really cold.

Outside the church was hot, and I was still feeling the chills. ‘Shit!’ I thought to myself! ‘It’s back!’
I got home and the chills started to worsen. My housemates, M and E, offered me some soup and dinner but these didn’t help much.

I went into my room dressed up in my thick top and pajamas and covered myself with a comforter with no fan and Acs switched on, I was shivering like crazy. I decided I would go to A&E.

I didn’t want to stay long in an air-conditioned cab, hence, I decided just to go to the nearest to my place- hospital, TTSH. M and E came with me. I was attended immediately. They measured my temperature and I was surprised to know that it was 40.9′ and also, my BP was high. I’ve never had these before! I went for ECG and x-ray almost immediately. From then, they decided to admit me.

M was with me all along. My history was asked by 2-3 different people in A&E. Travel, sexual, personal and medical history. Initially, I was so eager to give them all the information but I was slowly getting tired of it. In my head, I was like ‘Talk to each other please’. At some point, I began doubting my own answers, ‘did I answer correctly or not’? Probably due to disorientation and the feeling of just wanting to doze off and rest but I couldn’t.

I was in my room by 1:30am. M and E brought me there and left. I was alone…uhm…not so…every few hours a doctor would go into the room asking the same questions. The first night, was, to be honest, sleepless.

Yay! I was alive another day! My friends were slowly coming. First was M & M, then Z, then K, then my cousin L. My mom, apparently, texted people to come, visit an take care of me. And they all just easily obeyed. They alternately kept me company. That was the most touching fact. My friends and family were really there and could easily be there if I need them. By night, M & E also came by to bring some clothes.

Night over. I was only interviewed once that day. Yay! But they still took some blood again.Nurses and everyone going into my room were friendly and nice by the way. I still had a mild fever that day. I slept.

Alive for another day! I was hoping to get discharged but they wouldn’t let me. They said we had to wait for the blood culture. The day was quiet. I received a box of chocolate from my very sweet bf, T.

After work hours, Z was back, then K, then M, then M&E, then G. Wahh. It was like a party in my room. But then, they all had to leave by 9pm. Back to the silence….no….more phone calls from concerned people, like T, my mum etc. Slept while on phone with T.

Another day! Yay! I was told that I might be discharged today. And yes! Before lunch, I was discharged. I was discharged not knowing exactly what went wrong. The only thing we were aware of as of the moment was that I was having anemia. Not sure of what’s causing it though. They said, they’d refer me for Gastro. Anyway, I was just happy to go home!

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To be honest, I feel scared. I’ve always thought if I have some form of disease, I wouldn’t want to know anymore. But when you are within the “sick bubble”, you would want to know. It was scary to know but not to know is even scarier!

I see patients all the time, and now, I completely know how it feels like to be in their shoes. It was unnerving. The anxiety of not knowing what to expect and just completely letting go of your own will because your body needs other people and things (docs and medications) to help it. The helplessness you feel when mind over matter is not anymore helping very much.

I feel lost and hyper-concerned. I miss running but I ain’t sure if I should still do it.

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This illness is still an unfinished business. I am not sure yet if the symptoms will come back one of these days. I hope not! I pray that it won’t. I will have to be healthier! I will start with mild exercises and slowly turn beast mode again when I have fully recovered!

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With this, I would like to thank my family and friends who were there for and with me during the whole ordeal. I am so blessed with a few but real ones. I know they will always be there.

I was humbled. I realized I am fragile, my body, my mind, and my spirit.

I left the experience hoping not to ever be in the same bubble again!

THANK YOU, FAMILY AND FRIENDS! I love you all!