Last night, seated around a dining table were four single women in their 30s. Three never had a boyfriend and one only had one boyfriend all her life. They were talking about how to improve this aspect of their lives in 2014. One of them actually wants to get married by next year, the other two only want to have a boyfriend and the other one, can’t anymore imagine becoming a girlfriend.
The hopeless one was me. Have I completely lost my interest in men or I just have become terrified about being in a relationship again? I have to admit, I am enjoying my life as a single right now. I have learned so much about myself, strengths and weaknesses alike. I love my life, myself and the person I have become after my break up and that is why, I absolutely fear being in a relationship again. I am scared to lose myself again.
After my break up I was shattered, like I’d rather stay in dream land than interact with anyone. I tried so hard to bring myself back on track and I was successful in doing so. I don’t want to go back to that state anymore….here are some of my specific reasons why I can’t anymore imagine myself becoming a girlfriend:
Dependency: Now, I can do a lot of things on my own, attend classes on my own, trek, watch movie, go and eat at restaurants, travel on my own. With a boyfriend, I feel helpless and instinctively feel that it’s my boyfriend’s responsibility to accompany me all the time. Back then, I wanted him to experience all the things that I planned to try and do. I wanted him to enjoy and have fun with me but I guess our idea of fun is different. When he couldn’t make it due to endless commitments, I would impatiently wait for him, and I’d end up resentful for not being able to do it when he couldn’t follow me. Now, I am independent, why would I want to go back to becoming a helpless girl?
Trust: I am the jealous type and having a boyfriend would make me prone to being jealous, hurt and disappointed all the time. Without, I’ve learned to detach myself from most people and I’ve learned to rationally view relationships from the outside, objectively, and to get less affected by things. Sometimes, apathy and indifference are ideal for self or sanity preservation. I can’t be apathetic to people I love.
Decision-making: I, now, am able to decide for myself. I do not need to consult anyone, aside from my parents, regarding minor and major decisions in my life. I was able buy my own house, and now, I am thinking of migrating somewhere else. I don’t need to think about relationships and how would my boyfriend think about it. Why would I want to consider the opinion of someone, who’s not even my parent?
Sanity: When I am in love, I am crazy. I go gaga over the person. I will go head over heels, irrational, manic-depressive. I don’t want to subject myself to such emotional roller coaster again. I am still and stable now and I don’t aspire to be disturbed again.
Adventure: I seek for adventure now and most of the time, I am able to successfully accomplish them. I used to seek for my boyfriend’s attention. I can’t force anyone to love me, attend to me or care for me but I can force myself to finish a marathon, climb a mountain or go to India on my own and these experiences will forever be under my belt, hugging me tightly. Yes. I have conqured! And hey, It’s healthier going solo too because I have more time working out and doing stuff related to wellness and not lying slothfully on the bed with your boyfriend after a day of binging out.
Vanity: With a boyfriend, I tend to dress up and fix myself better to look more presentable infront of him. Without, I worry less about how I look. I can wear my natural curls without worrying much on how others would like it. I can walk around messy and dirty with my guy friends without the fear of being judged. I can be simply me.
Financially: Now, I only think about myself, my family and causes I find important. I don’t have to think about presents for his birthdays, our anniversaries, his parents’ birthdays. I don’t have to spend on constant dates and movies as well. I am financially stable and now, it’s clearer to me what is actually more important financially, and it doesn’t include spending for a boy who’s not even my husband yet. It is absolutely ok to invest in high-risk stocks and it is worth-it if you are getting something out of it. Love is perilous, hazardous and very very risky too and you will only know if it is worth-it to take a plunge when there’s more happiness than tears when you are with the person. If having a boyfriend makes you miserable, then, it’s not worth-it. Well, I guess you already have an idea how my past relationship made me feel?
And lastly, based on my observations, guys my age are mostly married, engaged, single but overly playful and perfect guys who unfortunately are gays. I would not want to get involved with any under these categories.
I am pretty sure that having a boyfriend has its own pros as well, but I guess, its just not for me, as of the moment…maybe, if the right one comes along, my views will change? Until then, please don’t force me.:)