Walking long distance gave me a lot of time to muse about me and the human-ness in me. It triggered some ideas that I never thought about before….like humanistic tendencies in times of a stressful event.
I was tired. Everyone was. I was observing how we would react to it. Almost all of us stayed strong. Some were quiet, like me, it brought me some sense of awareness on what I was doing. Purpose was still unclear but I was aware about my every stance. I was aware on every word that came out my mouth. Some blabbered all the way. They talked all the time, maybe to fight boredom or sleepiness?
Masks were taken off, real selves came out when there were no organizers watching, should one stay on the suggested route or take a shorter and easier route? take bus? Or just give up and go home due to fatigue and exhaustion? Our team stayed up and followed most of the suggested route, luckily.
Two people were injured. One went home, one decided to push through. Who’s better? The one who tried to take care of himself and chose self-preservation over his urge to conquer or the one who fought all the way to masochism, with the intentions I wasn’t sure about…was it for himself or for others?
I wanted to finish as fast as I could, but we were in a group. I tested myself, I tried and succeeded in being patient with time. I just didn’t care anymore, about my activities the next day. I am usually impatient but circumstances made me accept that, at that time, it was not only about me, it was about others too. My group mates’ tolerance was also contagious. I was touched…ashamed of what I initially felt..I decided to shadow how they reacted about the situation.
In my own little world I began to accept that every step I took was for people who supported me all along, in life and in my endeavors and also, against all those who broke my heart, my pride and shattered me into pieces only to stand up stronger once again. My tolerance to pain got redefined. Pain, for me is almost sweet! I learned how to submerge and still enjoy discomfort. Pain was my ally because it makes me feel human again and again!
Against rationality and sensibility, while walking, I began to question my purpose, “Why am I doing this again? Why do I want to get away from the comforts of my bed, to walk around Singapore and fight sleepiness when I can go back home easily and sleep in peace? Why? Why? Why do I feel that, somehow, while walking this, others are correct when they accuse me of being crazy and mentally-ill over these activities?” I do not know why….I didn’t know the reason, until I finished and completed the walk…then I am made aware, again!
Upon knowing that we were the last team to complete that long walk, unanimous reaction came about…we all smiled…grateful to the organizers that they still waited for us and to our Creator for making us able to do so!=)