Yes. I am having that moment again. That particular moment when I feel like i am the most purposeless homo sapien alive. I can't describe how much this feeling hurts. I dont know why but it does hurt. from the the bottom of my chest I can literally feel being crushed from inside out. There's no reason…really!
I am trying to control my tears. I am sighing all my hearts content. I am sighing loudly hoping that every time I would release carbon dioxide, I would somehow release some of the pain. I am shiverring and it's not even cold. I dont have a fever either…physically maybe…but inside…i am dying!
I am lucky…I am blessed…hence, I dont know why am I feeling this way.
As I always introspect, I'm now, really trying to understand why? Possibly…because I couldn't get the one and only thing I am lacking of…Love? Maybe. When I say love, its the romantic type of love…I've got too much love to give away but I just couldn't find…the right person…or I must say, I just couldn't find a person that would readily accept the love I can readily give away? Am I desperate? Turning Desparate? maybe I am.
Am I feeling this way because I feel like I'm getting stuck…I've worked so hard for the past 7-years and I feel that I can do something more…I can be somewhere else…or I can do a completely different thing…something I can get excited about to get up in the morning; not just dragging myself off to bed, something unexpected of me? Be a singer, dancer, gym instructor, artist, or just be a nobody who can freely do whatever it is that I want to do…I can be one day a singer, tommorow an artist etc..etc…I want freedom!
Why? why am I feeling this way?
Is it really inconcieveable….or is it simply because I just want to know my purpose…and I just can't seem to figure out what it is…despite intense introspection? whyyyyyyyyy (haizzzzzzzz)?