After 2 weeks of intensive practices, just the other day, we performed for Nurses' day. I was doing quite well in our practices. I knew all my parts by heart. As soon as I walked up the stage, my heart just wanted to jump out of my system.hehe First song was alright because its 4(azrin,ida,sherly,me) of us singing. Second song, I felt so scared coz I've solo parts. As soon as I closed my eyes to supposedly feel the music…I FORGOT MY LINES….I actually experienced temporary mental block and panic attack at the same time..heheh The usual PIA… I tried to recover but it was too late. My face looked so terrified that my friend said “I looked like a student caught by my teacher cheating” hehe To top that, I made out and “composed” my own lyrics…hehe…..I just hate experiencing that. My terrible uncontrollable hands shivering and shaking’s gone, now I’ve new symptom…..forgetting my lines…hehehe….Im a self-diagnosed public-speaking/performing/social PHOBIC…and im trying my best to overcome it……. hehe
When I was younger I used to be confident. I started joining church choir when I was I think 5 or 6. They made me sing responsorial psalm in many special occasions (our school’s feast days, our first communion..etc). They learned about by slightly special musical interest during our Music class, they asked us to sing 1 song each. While my classmates sang simple songs, I sang Mariah’s HERO..hehe I think I was 7 then. When my teacher heard me, she made me join this singing competition, and I won 3rd. Then when I was 10, I joined again, I got the 2nd. Also, in our town’s singing competition, I won 2nd. Was always a runner up never the champion. I was very confident in all kinds social /public speaking activities…UNTIL….
My transition from rural elementary girl to an urban high school girl was slightly tough in the sense that, I had to study far from home. I had to wake up 4am everyday, travel 1 hr or more going to school, I had all my friends in one school in Cavite, I was separated from my childhood friends quite early. That, I think, affected my self-esteem. (I’m especially thankful to my parents though for transferring me, coz I turned out to be a “good” kid…hehehe) In high school, I turned shy and timid in all social/public speaking activities. I would have uncontrollable hand shivering and I would turn “tomato-red” in front, every time I’d present something. I would sign up for singing competitions, practice and then back out on the day of the competition itself. I wasn’t able to regain my confidence til college.
I had my Masters degree and worked part-time in an NGO (BHPI). I went northern to southern part of the Philippines to teach government health workers about basic audiology. I was forced to speak publicly. I was able to it many times. I got used to discussing audiology in front of everyone…heheh….I was slightly more confident and I gained my self esteem back.
Until now, I’d still have some episodes of my “public/social/presentation panic attacks” Im slowly but seriously working on my confidence. Now that I’m in Singapore I’m trying to be as active as I can be, joining sports, performing, singing, dancing etc…to help me gain back the confidence I lost before….heheh….BOWWWW…=b
A Woman in Search 