An account on how I got infatuated (or possibly almost fell in love) with a guy I barely know.
Last year was terrible. I was depressed, not clinically diagnosed, but I know I was. I lost a lot of weight. I cried myself to sleep then dragged myself to work with my eyes swollen the next day. Unsure if the swelling was from crying too much or lack of sleep or most likely, both, I told everyone it was from lack of sleep. It was an easier excuse. There was no need to explain too much and I could just get away without telling everyone about my pathetic story!
This went on for a few months, 6-7months to be more exact. I know I was torturing myself. I was angry with myself more than I was angry with him (my ex). Fortunately for me, I know I had to do something. I thought I shouldn’t be wasting any more time wallowing over spilled milk. Thus, I told myself, I had to make a move. I had to get out of this mire and start doing something that would keep me pre-occupied, and tired so that at night, I would not anymore have spare time to think and cry all over again.
The first time I heard about Krav Maga was from a friend. He would passionately talk about it every time we had a chance to chat. That time, I asked him,
“Do you think Krav Maga could help a depressed person?”
He said, it would be good if I could give it a try. And that was my next move. July last year, I gave it a try. I asked everyone to accompany me but only one person readily said yes. Eros. First lesson was about “ice pick attack” – 360 defense. I enjoyed it.
Few weeks after trial, I decided to sign up for 3 months, 10 sessions per month. I was happy about this decision. Coming from a “safe” background, I’ve never experienced any form of threat neither have I hurt anyone physically in my entire existence, thus, learning and experiencing something new and different kept me excited and “nervous” each time I’d go back for training. I’ve tried Muay Thai before but unfortunately, I was unable to physically endure the training. Krav Maga was different. It was better than Muay Thai in the sense that it was very practical and it was based on normal human reactions to threats. In short, I enjoyed each and every session; though at some point my muscular coordination was greatly challenged (I initially thought my coordination was GOOD).
Months passed in an eye blink. It was almost end of the year, my Sweet November. As usual, one night, I went for training, with my heart beating like crazy. I was nervous (still). Didn’t know what to expect, what kind of lessons I would be taking home on the said night. Questions like ‘would I hurt anyone today?’; ‘would I get new bruises today?’ lingered in my mind as I walk to the new gym.
As usual, we had a good warm up. On that faithful night, our lesson was about inside defense against straight punches. Normally, in trainings, we would randomly choose partners or rather we would normally choose partners based on proximity. That time, the closest person to me was, let’s just call him, BLUE.
We started practicing the drill. I attacked him first; he was smiling nicely while trying to defend himself. Gradually, he turned mad. He laughed and giggled each time I ‘attack’ him. Since probably he could not concentrate, one or two punches landed directly to his face. Good thing I wasn’t really punching hard. I observed the same scenario while he was ‘attacking’ me. He was all giggly. So I asked him why and what the matter was. But he just gave me a smile each time I asked. Ok. Training ended, I thanked him for being my partner and we all went home.
During my ride home, in my mind, I started rewinding everything that had happened during the training and it made me smile. For about 30-40minutes, while in the bus, I was just thinking about it and smiling by myself. I turned mad, just like him. I went home then sat for dinner with my housemates and I was smiling still. I tried to control but unfortunately they still noticed it. I denied and just said, ‘I’m not smiling’. As expected, I was a bad liar. I had to cover up because I didn’t want them to know it was because of a guy. But after a bit more probing by them, I, eventually, was forced to tell them the story about that guy, BLUE.
Next session, I entered the gym, and his sweet, excited smile greeted me again. I was trying to see and check his teeth too because for me, it’s the ultimate source of attraction. Yes, as others look at people’s eyes, legs, body, nose, lips etc. I’d go and look at people’s teeth and I thought his weren’t bad. Plus point to him. I started noticing him more often. He was naturally a happy guy. I listened attentively to the instructor, hoping to get more information about him, like full name or something but I wasn’t successful. I only know his name was BLUE and his real name sounded like he’s Malay, thus, Muslim. OOPS. Ok. At this point I’ve to say, I was attracted. I couldn’t get him off my mind, his laugh and giggles couldn’t seem to leave my senses. But of course, I tried to hide it. Giving all sorts of excuses like his height, he was short, his religion, my dad will kill me if I’d get into a relationship with this guy etc.
Days passed and thoughts of him were still lingering. He was literally driving me nuts without him knowing. Finally, one of the sessions we were once again, partners. Yahoo! Lesson was defense against Chokes from the back. This time he laughed less. As the lesson required touching each other’s necks, or should I say, choking each other’s necks, I’ve to say, for this training we were relatively close. I could smell him and on that night I realized, he had slight body odor. Training went on and ended as usual. I wanted to change clothes this time because I was all wet; with sweat…lol the first longer exchange of statements happened.
I was waiting for one student to come out of the changing room, and BLUE said,
“Use this other room.” while pointing to the room opposite the changing room.
I said, “I can’t use that room because it’s not a real room.” It was only covered with translucent glass.
He said “Never mind, just change and I will try to cover the glass.”
OK. I decided not to change and just went home all sweaty but happy because he spoke to me. I couldn’t control it anymore, I told Eros about this crazy little feeling I had for BLUE while enumerating to him why I shouldn’t be doing something about it. SHORT.MUSLIM with BO. Eros assured me that all these were nothing and teased me about him in the process.
It was only December but his presence made me feel like it was already February, Valentine’s day. I got struck by cupid’s arrow. I started my secret job as a ‘federal agent’. I searched about him with the only key word I had, his first name. I found him. GOOGLED-IMAGES-SAW HIS PIC-clicked LINKED-IN profile. ta-da, his full name, jobs, interests, schools, degrees etc. Looking at his information, I was, even more, impressed. Cupid once again tried and he was successful, he hit me straight to my hypothalamus. I saw his website and realized that he was a very-well travelled man. More experienced than I am and every one else I know. I also found out that, just like me, he would be going away that month. Thus, I panicked.
Training after training, I would try to act as normal as possible when around him. As much as I want to hug him, instead of just smile at him every time he would enthusiastically greet me, or to partner with him all the time and just try to give him TLC instead of chokes and punches. I just couldn’t. I had to act ‘like’ the shy and conservative Pia. Small talks after small talks and nothing else occurred. Until the time that he didn’t anymore show up for sessions, then, I knew that he already started his holiday while I still had one more week to dread and wait for mine.
I went back to the Philippines, and I couldn’t stop talking about him. Because of him, I stopped cyber stalking my ex and his new GF. It was all about BLUE that holiday. I liked him, A LOT despite the fact that I knew very little about him. I knew his facebook account, his website and still didn’t have the courage to add him there. I thought it was not yet the right time.
I took 1.5 months break from Krav Maga which meant I didn’t see him within this period. I was kind of hopeless and unsure if he would actually continue or if he did, maybe he had already stepped up to advance level. My mom encouraged me to continue training. She saw that I was happy just doing it and training, with or without him. And so, without other ulterior motives, I trained back. I needed to do it for myself. February, day before Valentine’s day, I went for training. If not for Valentine’s day, my training day would have been different. Lucky for me, on that day, he was there.
He smiled and jumped off his feet and said ‘hello Pia’! OMG! I wanted to jump, hug him and tell him I MISSED HIM! But of course that wouldn’t happen this life time, maybe on my next. I just casually greeted him, again (hay). Training went on as usual until the end; he spoke to another person while I was pretending to take my water. Purposely, I drank slowly and I somehow tried to eavesdrop on their conversation. To my surprise (of course I didn’t show it), I heard that he was leaving by the end of next month. I almost choked, I tried to control my tears, walked away and sadly went back home! NOT AGAIN! He just came back!!!
Next session, he was there, same greetings and I still didn’t do anything. I thought, I still had one month. He said he would be leaving end of March. March came, his presence still continued to make my day. As usual, that ADHD boy was still jumping and happily warming up. He greeted me, and asked,
“tired?” I said “yes”.
He asked “ You’re from work?” , I said “yes. and you?”
“Yes. but I took half day off” He replied.
He then decided to head towards the platform and take the attendance sheet, signed his full name (first time he wrote it, he would normally just write blue), Bluezuan. After signing, I thought he would be putting the sheet back in front but instead, he brought the sheet to me, waited for me to sign, took it from me, and brought it back in front. OMG!heaven! I sat quietly while he was walking towards me.. I wasn’t expecting, but he sat beside me.
These next few conversation entirely changed me. He casually said, “I’ll be leaving by the end of the month.”
I had an idea about it but I pretended not to know anything. I said “Really? Where are you going?”
“Holiday, I might not be coming back for training.” He mumbled.
My heart was beating fast. In my mind I wanted to hug and just tell him not to go, but in reality, I just blurted out, “How long will you be away?” He said “One year.” Crushed and burned I asked. “Are you taking unpaid leave?”
He just said he already quit his job by the end of last year and unfortunately, as much as I wanted to expound on this conversation, the instructor decided to start the training session. By the end of the session I asked him again if that night was his last session, he said he might have to forfeit about 10 or more sessions. That meant YES. That was indeed his last session!
As soon as I reached home, I couldn’t take it anymore, I added him in facebook while mumbling the phrase “feel the fear and do it anyway” 100 times. That was the first time I made a move towards a guy that I really, overly liked. Two minutes later, he accepted the friend request. I kept screaming and went crazy over it that I decided to call my friend and excitedly informed her about my first (life-changing) move. I was jumping up and down of ecstasy. I wanted to chat with him immediately but I still had no topics in mind. I was a little hesitant too because I knew he was a smart guy. However, the following day, after gathering enough courage from all my supportive friends, I made my second move while still rewinding the phrase “feel the fear and do it anyway” in my head. At about 1am, I tried chatting with him, while waiting for my laundry to end. Unable to prepare for possible topics to discuss, that conversation didn’t go so well. It was short and a little boring. I regretted the fact that I didn’t really thought of more interesting questions to ask him.
Few more days passed by and sadly there were no more signs of Blue during trainings. My days were slowly changing, from colorful to plain dark blue; soon it’ll all be black! I Kept on asking myself, “am I cursed?” because every time I would like someone, they would tend to go away.
Anyway, I knew in my heart that I would not anymore see him again thus, I made few more “feel the fear and do it anyway” moves. The second conversation was the best. We talked about few personal things, interests, thoughts and many other things. I saw in that particular exchange of thoughts and ideas that he was indeed a happy person, just like the way he was during training sessions. We talked for about 2hours until he said goodnight. Subsequent conversations were still initiated by yours truly, me.
Honestly, everything I did for this guy’s something I’ve never ever done before because I’ve got too much pride, worries and fears. I’ve always waited. Despite all these effort (I consider those EFFORTs ok?!?) I guess he was just not into me, or as one of my friends said, maybe, just like most guys, he’s just insensitive and that I have to show him more signs. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do much now. The only thing I can do is, DON’T MAKE HIM FORGET that once in his life, he met and got slightly punched on the face, by this FILIPINO GIRL….And how in the world am I supposed to do that??!?! I’m not very sure…..Let’s see where can this special phrase “feel the fear and do it anyway” take me….;)