Pre-wedding Challenge

Friday : He came home flushed. His spasms were worse than before. He sat on his favourite chair, watched the footy and had pineapple for dinner. We then slept, while he kept his phone music on as he couldn’t sleep because of this unusual amount of spasms he was experiencing. A lot more than before.

Saturday: I tried to wake him up for meals, medications, and drinks. He only grunted every time. I thought he was resting and didn’t pay much attention when he refused to take anything. At 6pm,  he got up, walked around the house with his boxers. He was saying “Baby….mumbles” I couldn’t understand what he was saying but I could hear baby. He lied down on the lounge again and walked to the bedroom saying the same stuff that I couldn’t understand. I started to worry. I called my friends who lived close by. No response.

He started taking off his boxers and now, he’s completely naked. Joey called back and helped me get my act together. He asked me to call a locum doctor. They didn’t pick up soon. I had to use their online booking system which was faster. After less than one hour, Joey came to my house and the locum doctor came too.  T refused to be touched. He wasn’t himself already. The doctor then recommended for me to call the ambulance.

As I was trying to dress T up, Joey, helped me call the ambulance. He passed the phone back to me as the ambulance hotline people were asking some questions, or possibly, they were just trying to calm me down while waiting for the ambulance. I couldn’t dress him up, the ambulance came.

Two paramedics came into the house. I told them again what happened. I asked them to please do not touch his nape. I was afraid that they might force him into the ambulance as he was being too uncooperative. They have been gentle despite T being a little rude and asking them to Fuck off. He wasn’t my T anymore.

They asked for back-up. Now, 4 paramedics in the house. They were asking me to move aside as I was somehow panicking and possibly interrupting their practice. I was crying. Joey was calming me down. Finally, after 1 and half hours of trying, they decided to inject him with a mild sedative, I think. They were able to make T get into the ambulance.

We were in the Emergency Department. They put diapers on him. He was still refusing touch. T is a strong man and it was hard to calm him down when they were putting on IV, taking blood and those electrodes on his body. By then, I was already talking to his whole family. I was waiting for his results the whole night. They informed me about lumbar puncture. Though it is a normal procedure, I knew T wouldn’t let this as he refused touch. The word puncture was also very intimidating to hear. I was like, I don’t think I would want that for myself either. I asked his family if they’re ok with it, they said yes.

We were transferred to the normal ward by 4 or 5am. They were quite nice to me there. By 10 or 11 am, we were transferred to ICU. They wanted to sedate him for his lumbar puncture test. My aunt came for a visit and gave me food. His friends started to come. And Sunday night, his family drove and flew to us to support me and of course, to care for our beloved T.

He was occasionally opening his eyes, but he was not able to talk, move and recognize. He was just looking blankly. There was no soul. There was no reaction. I cried lots. My family back home wasn’t sleeping too. They were right beside me despite they were far away.

Every time, T woke up, and moved, I was running to his face and I would talk to him. Trying my best for him to somehow wake up more or connect. I played his favourite music and made him see footy interviews despite not knowing if he heard them. I am somehow certain it would help. This disposition went on for 4 days. No reaction from my sweet T was so painful. The way he refused people’s touch, the way he looked. It was just too painful to see and watch as he used to be a very passionate and funny individual.

The doctors suggested MRI for him. After investigating his history, they managed to finally decide to go ahead with it. I could finally see some reaction in T’s eyes and t wasn’t a pleasant one. His eyes spoke terror. He was scared to go into the MRI room. I couldn’t stop crying as I couldn’t do anything. I could only take him there, but I couldn’t go inside the room with him. Unfortunately, this first attempt was not as successful as he did not cooperate very well.

Wednesday: I’ve slept beside him the whole time as I didn’t want him to wake up alone and clueless. I wanted to be there when he wakes up and I wanted to be the one explaining to him what happened. Every time, he moved, I was awake, and I kept on running to his face.

At 3am, he moved, as usual, I walked in front of him. He asked, “What happened?” I was happy as he was somehow back. I told him the whole story. Then we fell asleep again at 7am. I was updating his family and friends the whole time. In the morning, they all came and he recognized them. There were some memory lapses like the dates and year. But he was generally getting better and better.

He was calm and patient addressing his memory loss and inability to text. I was like, if this was me, I wouldn’t stop trying to regain my memory the soonest. I would keep on memorizing and practicing. But T was different, he was always positive, and he just won’t stress on things. My complete opposite.

Today, they also decided to send him for MRI again. He was understanding better, hence, the assessment went more smoothly.

All results were apparently normal. There was no formal diagnosis however, they treated him with antiviral and antiseizure and somehow, one of them seemed to be doing miracles.

Thursday: We were discharged from the ICU and we were sent to the normal ward. He’s getting better despite still a little unstable with his gait. The funny T was slowly coming back.

Monday: We were discharged as he wanted to start working the soonest.


After 5days in ICU and 5days in the normal ward, he is finally home. It was an experience I never even imagined happening to me/us. It went as if we were in a movie. It felt unreal.

Looking back, however, I feel somehow relieved that we were able to surpass such a challenge. Not all couples can have a pre-wedding challenge/bonding like that. I shed tears, I prayed, and I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable. I asked and welcomed hugs, help, and kindness from everyone. I usually will try to keep doing things myself but last week was different. It felt good to be with people.

I was overwhelmed with everyone’s kindness and love for Tim and myself. To my/ his family, and friends, thank you for all your help and prayers. I didn’t only fall in love with him more, I also fell deeper for his family and friends. I now know that Tim’s heart is so amazing because he has been surrounded by wonderful people.

I feel so blessed to be part of his life because I know I will become a better human being with him. That is bigger than travelling 50 percent of the world.

This month, we will not be doing the usual wedding preparations, instead, we will ensure Tim gets his strength back to enable him to enjoy our Big day (and to make sure I pass exams I requested to delay because of this interesting turn of events)

To my friends and family, I can’t thank you enough as well.
I am grateful! VERY BIG THANK YOU to all of you!!!!!!

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Update

I haven’t journaled in a while. Yes. I have moved. I am no longer based in Singapore. I decided to take a break from working as a clinician and be a full-time student in Melbourne, Australia. So far, aside from my current flu, everything else has been doing well.

School is tough, yeah, as expected, but I think I am surviving still. There are a lot of individual and group assignments. There are concepts and subjects I’ve never encountered before but I will fight and try to understand them.

I am starting to miss my favorite foodies in Singapore. I am starting to miss running in the heat. I am starting to miss traveling. I am starting to earn my own money. Don’t get me wrong, T has been good support for me here. However, working and being productive while being paid has its own sweet feeling of accomplishment for me.

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Singapore, My Second Home

Thirteen years passed rather quickly. Looking back, I told myself, I would only be here for 5 years but things didn’t happen as I originally imagined it. It unfolded differently. I suppose it went on for the better. If I have a chance to go back to my younger years, I would still choose to accept the opportunity here in Singapore. There are so many things about Singapore that I am grateful about. There are so many facts about Singapore that I will miss and treasure.

I am thankful that I am and was able to interact with other cultures. If I were back home, I would only know about my own traditions and culture. In Singapore, I wasn’t able to escape exposure. I learned to mingle with people of different beliefs and religions. I learned how to eat their food. I had favorites that I am already craving for them. I wore all sorts of costumes. I attended weddings. I gained friends not only from Singapore but from all over the world.

The first time I came here, I was so scared to converse as I was struggling to understand Singlish. Phone conversations were daunting as hell as I couldn’t even read lips. As I stayed here longer, I managed to cope. I started falling in love with Singlish as it was easier and convenient to use. Where else can you find a place that, like a salad, mixes 4 languages together with sauces of “lahs, mehs etc.”? Whilst a single “Aiyoh” speaks of complete disappointment? Singlish is an art, uniquely from Singapore. It’s dynamic and it’s beautiful.

Speaking of salad, Singapore’s hawker center is among the most prominent and integral aspect of Singapore’s cultural heritage. Hawker center, just like the country itself, is a fusion of cultures. This is where the young and the old, the rich and the poor, Singaporean and foreigners mingle from then up to now.

That’s how diverse yet united Singapore is and I think, it is working very well for the country, for now. Singapore shouts culture, the Culture of Healthily Mixed Cultures! I love it!

Transportation in Singapore is amazing. It will take a long time before the capital of my country could do something like Singapore’s. It is efficient that sometimes, even food delivery services use public transport to deliver food. It may be crowded sometimes, but almost all the time, it’s frequent and it’s on time. I am grateful because I wouldn’t have known that efficiency if possible until I came to Singapore. I got so used to chaos.

Changi International Airport is really the gateway to the world or should I say, MY gateway to the world. A country’s airport really speaks about the country itself. Changi is an impression of a country as a whole. It is organized, it is improving all the time and it is beautifully and strategically constructed. The amount of budget airlines served by Changi Airport is immense, hence, even a cheapo like me started to get hooked to traveling. I wouldn’t have reached so many countries if not for (my pay in) Singapore and if not for the budget airlines in Changi Airport. By the way, if you have one day left and you’ve got nothing to do, try going to the airport earlier and you wouldn’t be bored. Lot’s to do at Changi Airport! Yeah, obviously, NOTHING COMPARES! 😉

The culture of listening to feedbacks and taking them seriously is also one thing I like about Singapore. The openness and dynamism make Singapore rich. You would see constant changes all the time. Sometimes, things still look good but they’re already changing it. Sometimes, a building wasn’t there, and like mushrooms, it’ll suddenly be there. Singapore is such a dynamic place. It’s too fast sometimes and it can make one exhausted. It’s a reality. It has its pros and cons. But still, if I were the costumer, I would be very happy as my comments are taken seriously. If in the future, I would have my own business, I would bring that openness to change in my biz. I think it is a trait everyone should have, to know when to listen, learn and act.

To get more specific, I am also grateful to my bosses, thank you for taking a chance on an FT to work in your department, to the families of my clients, thank you for making me a part of your families, to Singapore ICA and MOM for approving my work pass (though I think I will never be good enough to become a PR, it’s ok, I understand. I know you guys are just trying to protect your borders). If not for all of these, I wouldn’t have lived peacefully and joyfully in a foreign country for 13 years.

THANK YOU for taking me in and helping me have a second home. I hope to see Singapore and everyone again in the near future! THANK YOU!

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Papa’s Birthday!

30 Jan – 3 Feb 2019

I know I wasn’t supposed to travel as much anymore. I had to save up for the months that I will soon be unemployed but how could I resist my father’s 65th birthday celebration? The birthday of the man who treated us like his princesses for over thirty years? Despite the urge to save, I just couldn’t as my father is so important to me.

For this occasion, both I and my sister allotted this weekend to celebrate with my dad and mom. We went to a less populated beach resort in Lobo, Batangas. The owner of the resort became a friend to my parents already. The huts were very basic and so as the resort. It didn’t really matter because we were together. My dad kept on barbequing while we kept on munching on the nicely cooked foodies my mom and dad prepared for us.

The next day, we went to a historic lighthouse, Malabrigo. This lighthouse was built during the Spanish occupation in the Philippines and was popularised recently as it was part of the Philippine TV series called Araw Gabi.

We then passed by Lovers Lane. I saw that there were other places to visit in Lobo, like a monolith and more mountains but my mom didn’t want to explore further as she was scared to further ascend to the mountains.

We then headed back to the resort and ate and walked and slept some more. The remaining hours were just as fun. My parents’ happiness made us happy.

I know that this will probably be my last visit back home with a status of “Single”. The next time I head back home, I would already be married to my T. The fact that I won’t be able to head home as frequently saddens me a lot but I have to experience all these to see if I would be able to do it.

I was, am and will continue on to feel blessed as I know I have a family that will always support me in all my life endeavors. I love my family and my soon family a.k.a. T.

Some of the Photos:

 

 

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Circle of Paths

51177919_530606887436009_7802600780938084352_nSome people want to climb up the ladder and be the best in one field = More Socially acceptable
Some people want to grow horizontally, like jack of all trades, master of none. = Slightly acceptable.
Some people want to specialize in one socially unacceptable career and be the best in that field.
Some people want to have a lot of unacceptable trades.
No matter what your choice is, the center of this circle is YOU. It’s your own life experience. Whether you choose to move through in any direction, it is your own path. You shouldn’t have other goals but to keep yourself grounded, sane and ultimately, content and happy. Anyway, we all will go to the same path eventually…..death and we will all go back to becoming earth’s biodegradable dirt!

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Year-Ends, Brand New one Coming up!

2018 just swiftly passed by. We all grew older and the most disturbing idea was, even my parents did. I am scared as the years went by. I have my dreams to travel the world and am not planning to go home yet. I want to be able to take them with me and make them experience all the good things as what they’ve tried to do with us when we were young. It made my heart break as I saw my father having a hard time walking because of knee pain.

Early this year, I decided to study Basic Sports Science by Republic Polytechnic and I managed to pass it. Immediately after that, I enrolled myself in Yoga Instructor Certificate Course 200/300 hours which practically changed my life. My year was full of yoga and learnings. It was good. I wish I did this earlier.

Also, I decided to further my studies. It’s going to start next year (if I can get a study visa). As my educational background is very specialized, I decided to move away from it and study something more universally needed.

Aside from all the studies, travels, another major event happened to me, T proposed and I said yes. He’s the sweetest guy I have ever met. I sometimes ask myself if I deserve a person like him.

Back to my family story, my mum, despite struggling to make ends meet, still gave me a present for the engagement and soon-to-be wedding…our rings. While my sister gave me my wedding dress. I love my family so so so much.

Lastly, my monthly travels for this year:

January – Batam, Indonesia

February – Phuket, Thailand

March – Melbourne, Australia

April – Camarines Norte, Philippines

May – Perth, Australia

May – June –

  • Helsinki, Finland
  • Riga, Latvia
  •  Siaulia and Vilnius, Lithuania
  • Vijlandi, Parnu, Tallin Estonia

June – Manila, Philippines

June-July– Malacca, Malaysia

July –

  • Bintan, Indonesia
  • Melbourne, Australia

August- Townsville, Australia

September- Labuan Bajo, Indonesia

October-

  • Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
  • Manila, Philippines

November-

  • Dhaka, Bangladesh
  • Melbourne, Australia

December – Manila Philippines

— Looking at this list makes me extremely grateful for having the chance and opportunity to see the world. It also makes me a bit nostalgic as this will be the last list of my “flash monthly travels” for a while. I was doing this for 3years now. I have to pause it to make way for my new goal, which is to get another Masters Degree. Shall see if I can graduate and if I do, I will resume traveling, hopefully, with my family and T. 😉 Happy New Year, people!

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Christmas in the Philippines

22 – 26 Dec 2018

T and I decided to celebrate Christmas with my family in the Philippines. To be honest, we really didn’t do much during this holiday. All we did was restaurant hop and eat and eat and eat. =) That’s Christmas in the Philippines for us anyway.

It’ll take me a while again to visit home I suppose. =(

xmas 5

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The Diceman

by Luke Rhinehart

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I have been trying to read this book for the longest time. Finally, I was able to finish it. I used to know a man who loved this book so much. I am suspecting that he’s actually following the rule of the dice. He was interesting. I used to understand him until I read this book and got to know the extent to which the dice were being followed in this story.

Since I have been reading the book for so long, I have forgotten most of the details of the story and just remembered some points and the summary.

This book is about a psychiatrist, Dr. Luke Rhinehart, who invented a treatment (which eventually became a lifestyle even for “normal” people) to cure psychiatric disorders by destroying humans’ egoistic tendencies. The way he recommended to do it was to use the dice and chance to decide on what to do next instead of following the conventional ways.

He even followed this method. He left his own family and engaged in so many socially unacceptable ways. Some of his cases ruined their lives following the dice but they seemed not to care about it.

It became a way of life for him and a lot of people. It became a religion. In the last part of the book, his son, whom he left many years ago, was being interrogated by the FBI. They wanted to know what is he up to at that time. The book ended openly.

Here are my favorite lines from the book:

“Understand yourself, accept yourself, but do not be yourself.” Pg 13

“The nineteen consecutive white men have kicked you in the balls doesn’t necessarily mean the twentieth will.” -pg 46

“I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m sorry but that’s about it. I’m sick if lifting unhappy patients up to normal boredom, sick of trivial experiments, empty articles- “ pg 63

“A man without habits, consistency, redundancy- and hence boredom-is not human. He’s insane.” -Pg 66

“We formed a deep, irrational, obviously neurotic need for one another: love- one of society’s many socially accepted forms of madness. We got married: Society’s solution to loneliness, lust, and laundry.” -pg 117

“Men must become comfortable in flowing from one role to another- why aren’t they?” – pg 147

“ If a person can attain a strong confidence in his inconsistency and unreliability, a strong yea-saying sense of the impermanency of things and of an unintegrated, nonpatterened chaos of self, he will be fully at home in a multivalent society- he will be joyous.” – pg 318

“To know”me” that way is to limit me, cement me into something stonelike and predictable.” -pg 428

“Everything may evaporate at an instant. Everything!” -pg 428

“If we always limited ourselves to what was natural to us, we’d be midget dwarfs compared to our potential. We must always be incorporating new areas of human action which we can make natural.” – Pg 432

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Melbourne Nov 2018

8-11 Nov 2018

This visit brought me closer to my reality. As it is related to the previous post. We didn’t do much as I wasn’t feeling so well too. We visited Torquay and T’s Sis in Geelong. That’s about it.

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Boredom while onboard

8 Nov 2018

Soon, I will be stepping in an unfamiliar grounds. 
Possibly moving to Australia
Quitting work, becoming a student
Becoming someone’s wife

Results of all these all together are
I will not have my friends around me
I will not have financial freedom yet
I will lose my ability to spend on travels and lessons.
I will have to stay still. 

But,
This is an opportunity for me to meet new friends
I will have another degree that will be beneficial for me when I apply for work next time.
I will, hopefully, earn more in the future
More qualification for me
Hugs everyday
Will be with the kindest guy I’ve ever met every day.

Everything is scary. I don’t know if giving up this comfortable life of mine is a good decision. I am giving my life a huge shake, topsy and turvy. Decisions like these makeup life. T isn’t scared, I shouldn’t be. Right?  

My goals in life sound simple but the requirements for me to achieve them are very long and it requires every small step I take every day.

I want to be able to be with T despite differences. I want to be able to learn something new every day. I want to be able to travel at least 50% of the world and take my loved ones in the process. I want to always have a healthy body because I want to be able to run one ultramarathon 100km or above once in this lifetime.

I’m on the plane now Scooting towards T’s arms. His hugs can make me feel comfortable and less scared. 

In the meantime, I am enjoying my life’s simple pleasures…. Sunsets before landing.

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